Being underweight my entire life made it especially easy for me to hide and extremely shocking for others to find out. I decided not to go back to college after my sophomore year. The cheerleading coach quit and the only reason I chose UMD was so I could cheer four more years before hanging up the uniform. Once my life long career was forced to end, I put away my cheer shoes for good. Cheerleading was all I knew and was what I thought gave me a meaning in life, I never felt good at anything else. After 15 years of practice at least 10 hours a week to having nothing to do, no structure. To me, my life was meaningless now, the only thing I was good at was being thrown around and flipping.
Slowly I started to skip meals, I started to hear a whisper when I would try to eat, “you don’t need that, it’s not like you have practice.” Thats was Ana my inner ED voice. I had convinced myself with out having practice I didn’t have to eat. The control I got from choosing not to eat was overwhelmingly satisfying. But the addicting part, the part that takes control over you, is the high you get from starving. I never even knew that it was an actual physicL addiction like any other addiction.
(this pic is one week before my long LONG time at treatment. )